| ||
| 40-ish | Really means... | 48 |
| Athletic | Really means... | Flat-chested. |
| Average looking | Really means... | Ugly. |
| Beautiful | Really means... | Pathological liar |
| Educated | Really means... | College dropout |
| Emotionally Secure | Really means... | Medicated |
| Feminist | Really means... | Fat; ball buster |
| Free spirit | Really means... | Drug user |
| Friendship first | Really means... | Trying to live down reputation as sl*t |
| Fun | Really means... | Annoying |
| Good Listener | Really means... | Borderline Autistic |
| New-Age | Really means... | All body hair, all the time |
| Old-fashioned | Really means... | Lights out, missionary position only |
| Open-minded | Really means... | Desperate |
| Outgoing | Really means... | Loud |
| Passionate | Really means... | Loud |
| Poet | Really means... | Depressive Schizophrenic |
| Professional | Really means... | Real Witch |
| Redhead | Really means... | Shops the Clairol section |
| Reubenesque | Really means... | Grossly Fat |
| Romantic | Really means... | Looks better by candle light |
| Weight proportional to height | Really means... | Hugely Fat |
| Wants Soulmate | Really means... | One step away from stalking |
| Widow | Really means... | Nagged first husband to death |